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SamHouston
Member
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Posted: Thu Sep 8th, 2005 07:03 am |
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There has to be better one than this guys!!!! ![[bounce]](/forums/themes/default/1syellow1.gif) Sammy....
Somewhere between the 23rd. & the 24th ! . . . .
Paul Martin is my shepherd
I shall soon want
He leadeth me beside still factories and abandoned farms
He restores my doubt about the Grits
He anointed my wages with taxes and inflation, so my expenses runneth over
my income.
Surely, poverty and hard living shall follow the Grits
and I shall work on a rented farm,
and live in a rented house forever
Five thousand years ago Moses said:
"Pick up your shovel, mount your ass, and I will lead you to the promised
land".
Five thousand years later, Trudeau said:
"Lay down your shovel and sit on your ass,
light up a camel; this is the promised land".
>
This year Paul Martin will take your shovel, sell your camel,
kick your ass, and tell you he gaveaway the promised land.
>
I am glad I am a Canadian,
I am glad I am free
But I wish I were a dog,
and Paul was a tree !
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Great White
Member
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Posted: Thu Sep 8th, 2005 06:06 pm |
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| Hang on to any of the new Newfoundland Commemorative quarters you may have. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The Winnipeg Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Newfoundland quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each Province. "We are recalling all the new quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Minister Reg Alcock said Thursday. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices. "The problem lies in the unique design of the quarter, which was created by a Memorial University of Newfoundland graduate," Alcock said. Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices.
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Great White
Member
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Posted: Thu Sep 8th, 2005 06:12 pm |
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| There are 3 people eating lunch. An english man, a french man and a newfie. The english man says: "my wife makes my lunch everyday and I always get the same thing." The french man and the newfie both agree. The newfie ads: "If i get the same thing agian tomorrow I will jump off the building." The next day they all arrive to work and the newfie jumped off the building. The frenchman starts laughing histerically then the english man goes: "Whats so funny? He just jumped off the building" The french man responds: "It's so funny cause he makes his own lunch"
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Wonderer
Member
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Posted: Thu Sep 8th, 2005 10:43 pm |
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A ship full of aliens flies over the Atlantic Ocean. Using their View'o'Matic scope they spot a Newfie outrowing his Dory. He's rowing along silently singing to himself "I'se the by's that builds the Boat and Ise the bys' that sails her..."
The head alien looks at him, then orders the Vice alien in charge of Brain Melting to melt one quarter of the Aliens brain. They do so then observe the Alien once again. Incredibly he just keeps on rowing his dory and singing "Ise the bys' that builds the Boat...."
"Hmmmm...." says the head alien, "Melt half of his brain." So they melt half of his brain but he still just rows along singing "Ise the bys' that builds the boat, and Ise the bys' that sails her..."
"Alright..." Bellows the Alien leader, "MELT Three quarters of his brain."
Then the man in the boat keeps rowing, but starts singin "Frere Jaques, Frere Jaques. Dormier Vous, Dormier Vous..."
"Now we're getting somewhere" the Alien says, "Melt 99% of his brain." After they do this the man looks around confused and stops rowing. Then he stands up and starts pumping his hand up and down and saying "Hi, I'm Stephen Harper, vote for me."
"Enough," says the Alien overlord, "Melt his Entire Brain!!!"
The Man in the boat suddenly gets a real stern look in his eye, then looks up at the Alien and says "I'm Ralph Klien, And I'm sick of all you damn immigrants."
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Canadaian Eh!
Member
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Posted: Sat Sep 10th, 2005 12:38 am |
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God creates Canada.
On the sixth day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."
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SamHouston
Member
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Posted: Sat Sep 10th, 2005 02:13 am |
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Canadaian Eh! wrote: God creates Canada.
On the sixth day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."
Now that's funny lmao!!!!!Sammy......
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Canadaian Eh!
Member
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Posted: Sat Sep 10th, 2005 02:20 am |
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Q : How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A : None. Canadians don't change light bulbs, we accept them as they are
Q : What does a Canadian say when you step on his foot?
A : Sorry!
Last edited on Sat Sep 10th, 2005 02:23 am by Canadaian Eh!
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Canadaian Eh!
Member
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Posted: Sat Sep 10th, 2005 02:25 am |
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When Sir John A. McDonald and his cronies were trying to figure out a new name for our (soon-to-be) great country, someone had a (typically Canadian) idea:
"Let's put all the letters into a hat and draw three of them.
That will be the new name of this place ..."
So they did ...
The first letter is pulled, and our hero shouts - "C" eh!?
The second letter is pulled, and our hero shouts - "N" eh!?
The third letter is pulled, and our hero shouts - "D" eh!?
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SamHouston
Member
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Posted: Sat Sep 10th, 2005 02:28 am |
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Canadaian Eh! wrote: When Sir John A. McDonald and his cronies were trying to figure out a new name for our (soon-to-be) great country, someone had a (typically Canadian) idea:
"Let's put all the letters into a hat and draw three of them.
That will be the new name of this place ..."
So they did ...
The first letter is pulled, and our hero shouts - "C" eh!?
The second letter is pulled, and our hero shouts - "N" eh!?
The third letter is pulled, and our hero shouts - "D" eh!? lmao....very funny nite !!! eh!!! Sammy, eh!!!
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DB
Member
| Joined: | Wed Aug 25th, 2004 |
| Location: | Peru |
| Posts: | 1965 |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Sun Sep 11th, 2005 10:56 am |
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Q : What does a Canadian say when you step on his foot? A : Sorry!
Don't you mean soar-reeeeee?
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Wonderer
Member
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Posted: Sun Sep 11th, 2005 09:06 pm |
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No Doot aboot it.
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Canadaian Eh!
Member
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Posted: Sun Sep 11th, 2005 10:13 pm |
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A truly Canadian Apology to the USA, courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC Television:
Hello. I'm Anthony St. George on location here in Washington.
On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audeince we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you'd never do that.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.
I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Loverboy, that song from Seriff that ends with a really high-pitched long note. Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. Because we've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.
For 22 minutes, I'm Anthony St. George, and I'm sorry.
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longbich
Member
| Joined: | Sat Oct 29th, 2005 |
| Location: | Downunder |
| Posts: | 4328 |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Thu Dec 15th, 2005 10:15 pm |
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A great "myth".....
This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations10-10-95.
Americans :Please divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.
Canadians :Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 to the South to avoid a collision
.Americans :This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians :No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans :THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP !
Canadians : This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Thu Dec 15th, 2005 10:19 pm |
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Butch The Rooster
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen hewas, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak,so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a Liberal in the making. Who else but a Liberal could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Thu Dec 15th, 2005 10:21 pm |
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Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand.
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for dinner. The bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes,it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh $7.
The eighth $12.
The ninth $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.
"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20."
Now dinner for the ten only cost $80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So, the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free
But what about the other six, the paying customers? How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share'?
The six men realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being 'PAID' to eat their meal.
The restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to eat for free. But once outside the restaurant, they began to compare their savings.
"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man "but he got $10!"
"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than me!"
"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for dinner, so the nine sat down and ate without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up at the table anymore.
There are lots of good restaurants in Europe and the Caribbean.
David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D
Distinguished Professor of Economics
NOTICE: NO LIBERAL WAS KILLED OR INJURED DURING PRODUCTION OF THIS EMAIL
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Thu Dec 15th, 2005 10:22 pm |
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THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END
THE CANADIAN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh?
The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.
The CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The CBC, interrupting an Inuit cultural festival special from Nunavut with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome."
Sven Robinson rants in an interview with Pamela Wallin that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".
In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers.
Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
The ant moves to the US, and starts a successful agribiz company.
The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.
Inadequate government funding is blamed, Roy Romanow is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost $10,000,000.
The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Toronto Star blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity.
The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Canada's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana grow op and terrorize the community.
THE END
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Thu Dec 15th, 2005 10:25 pm |
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A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about
global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituallity, biomimicry,
environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and
sexual proclivities. The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot and walks out of the bar, turns around and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, supermodels and women's breasts.
REally impressed the man decides to test the robot a third time. He heads out the door, returns and the robot serves him again and asks him what his I.Q. is and the man replies "uh, I kinda think maybe about 50".
The robot says very very slosly, "so ..... are you going to vote for the Liberals again"?
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Drake
Member
| Joined: | Fri Dec 9th, 2005 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 624 |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Thu Dec 15th, 2005 10:51 pm |
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I liked them all Gilbert, thanks
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BrassyPep
Member
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Posted: Thu Dec 15th, 2005 10:56 pm |
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Canadaian Eh! wrote: Q : How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A : None. Canadians don't change light bulbs, we accept them as they are
Q : What does a Canadian say when you step on his foot?
A : Sorry!
Oh...that's even true.
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L Gilbert
Member
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Posted: Thu Dec 15th, 2005 11:19 pm |
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| LOL, not this canuck.
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